Snakes on a Gundam
by InuMisha
Summary: There's... lots of swearing in it. Little references to this and that, like Harry Potter, the USPS... Oh, and Snakes on a Plane plus Gundam Wing. Eyerolling fun?
1. Chapter 1

Wow, my firstest fanfic evar. I don't own any of this stuff. I am not even sure I spelled the name of the ship, Peacemillion, correctly. Rx1? 4x3? Snakes x Shenlong? Foul language, for sure. Crack. AU. Fusion. OOC. Is that enough warnings?

Snakes on a Gundam

In the kitchen of the great spaceship Peacemillion were five fifteen-year-old boys, each with differing heights and attitudes, but every single one of them achingly and desirably luscious and hot. One with a waist-long braid sat at a table facing one with an unusually large hair bang, which was combed over one eye. Between the two was a chessboard. The other three boys stood by the table in order to watch the long-awaited rematch, until a fourth non-sitting teenager sped into the kitchen at five times the speed of sound with a shrieking wail you didn't need a sixth sense to… sense.

"Snakes! Muthafukkin' snakes! We got to get these muthafukkin' snakes off the muthafukkin' Peacemillion!"

All five boys turned to face the sandy-haired girl, annoyance painstakingly masked from their faces.

"What now, Relena," asked the braided boy in a flat tone.

"Muthafukkin' snakes, Duo you fukka! They're fukkin' everywhere!"

The shorthaired blond boy looked around the kitchen. "Sorry, Miss Relena, but I don't see any here."

"Muthafukkin' Quatre! They are all over the muthafukkin' hallway! They are all over the muthafukkin' bridge! They are probably all over your muthafukkin' Gundams!"

The five boys suddenly stiffened. Quatre turned to the large-banged boy. "Trowa. I'm scared. My Sandrock…" He let out a sob. Trowa patted Quatre's shoulder and offered a moment of sympathy and a word of advice.

"…"

"Yeah, thanks Trowa. Miss Relena usually does spout nonsense just for a little attention"

"Heero!" Relena broke the moment with her banshee-like screeching. She firmly placed herself in front of the boy with the attractively tousled brown hair. She also ignored the look of death he was giving her. He looked like that every time at me, and only at me, so it must mean something special, a special look just for me, a look of love, blah, blah, blah went the "logic train" of Relena's inner thoughts.

Heero gave Relena's shoulder a slight push. "Hn?"

"Oh yeah. You've got to go put a stop to these muthafukkin' snakes! Get to it!"

Duo rolled his eyes, then surreptitiously pressed a button on his watch, causing the alarm to sound. "Oh, listen! Looks like we've got a mission. We better get going."

The other four pilots quickly nodded assent, barely hiding their relief at getting away from the recently foul mouthed Princess of the World. As a group, the boys headed for the doorway, when they heard a hiss. As a group, they looked down and saw… a snake. What a twist!

"My Sandrock! He really could be infested with snakes! Noooooooo!"

The five pilots rushed to the hangar where their mobile suits were being kept, guns ablaze as they precisely blew the head of each snake they passed to pieces, using their mad leet Gundam pilot skills and guns. Once at the hangar, they stopped dead in their tracks at the sight they saw.

The Chinese pilot screamed in outrage. "INJUSTICE!" Dozens of snakes were crawling all over the Shenlong Gundam, his Gundam, while the other four mobile suits were untouched. "Why only my precious Nataku? Injustice!"

Duo folded his arms and nodded sagely. "You know, Wufei, it's probably because of Shenlong's arms, how they can come out and be all slithery like a snake. They're doing some kind of familial bonding or something."

Wufei cast Duo a withering glare, which quickly smoothed out as he reached into a pocket in his voluminous white pants and pulled out a remote control. A series of buttons were pressed, which caused Nataku's arms to come out of the shoulders (slithering much like a snake!), point the "hands" to its own body, and shoot fire onto itself. The air filled with the stench of burning snakes. The other pilots stared at the heartless, yet necessary, destruction. Once satisfied, Wufei put away the remote control, calmly stating, "Justice."

"Too bad we can't do that throughout Peacemillion," said Quatre as he clutched at his chest, his Space Heart feeling the deaths of dozens of snakes. "Gundanium can stand up to that kind of torture… I mean, uh, cleansing, but Peacemillion isn't made of Gundanium."

Trowa noticed that a half-burnt snake had somehow managed to crawl towards the group of pilots. It looked to be on its last legs as it stared at the unibanged pilot pitifully. "Ssssssss," said Trowa.

"Sss…sss…sss," said the snake.

"Ssssssssss?"

"Sssss."

"Ssssssssssssssssss?"

"Ss. Ss. Ssss…. S…." The snake expired.

Trowa turned to face his teammates, and told them, "Ssssss ssssssss sss."

The others stood silently, until Duo yelled, "WHAT the FUCK!"

"Trowa was speaking Parsel Tongue," Quatre explained.

"Yeah, and listen to me speak Parcel Tongue: Your package will arrive in two to three business days with Priority Space Mail shipping." Duo pasted a sickly sweet smile on his face as he said this.

"Nooooo, Parsel Tongue, the ability to speak to snakes!"

"What the hell is wrong with speaking HUMAN? He's never said a word up until now, and I don't think hissing can be counted as words!"

"He was saying words in the language of the snake, Duo."

Wufei broke in. "Oh, shut up, Quatre, you Potter geek. You're such a Hufflepuff."

"And so? Better than being a Ravenclaw type like you, Wufei!"

"But your obsession with Harry Potter is quite unhealthy. I don't actually think of myself as belonging to a fictional house of a fictional school in a fictional world."

"What makes you think I do?"

Trowa bent down quickly (like a striking snake!) to grab at Quatre's left trouser leg, pulled it up as he pulled down the sock. There, placed above the ankle was a tattoo of a lacy heart that read, "Hufflepuffs are LOVE!"

"Hn," said Heero.

Before Quatre had time to get embarrassed or object to the indignity of having his trim ankle exposed by his Parsel Tongue-speaking possibly-more-than-friend, a raging storm rushed into the hangar.

"What the fuck are you muthafukkas doing? Why are there still muthafukkin' snakes in my muthafukkin' spaceship?" Relena was dressed in a spacesuit, complete with helmet. She reasoned that if these suits had been made for the rigors of the cold vacuum of space, then they could certainly keep her safe from non-spacely snakes. The fact that it was Heero's spacesuit was just a personal bonus.


	2. Chapter 2

Relena looked over her collection of smokin' hot bishounen... Well, maybe that one with the weird huge bang over his eye was not so hot. That boring turtleneck and tight jeans outfit made her want to spit at him in a rage. And that Chinese one had his hair pulled back too tightly. That was way unsexy. And then that babyish blond boy with the sissy pink shirt completely revolted her. But her greatest anger was saved for the long-haired one. How dare he try to mimic the beauty of her own brother's long hair. Only Milliardo was regal enough to carry off being long-haired and not look like a girl. She took a few deep breaths to calm herself down.

As she methodically breathed in and out, she was reminded that she wore Heero's spacesuit. Her Heero's spacesuit. Her Heero. Ah, yes, he truly was hers. His scent enveloped her. She wriggled in pleasure as she thought of how Heero's skin touched the inside of the suit and now the inside of the suit was touching her. She had made sure to wear only shorts and a tank top so as to maximize the contact of the suit to her skin.

"If ya gotta go to the bathroom, could ya at least not pollute the suit, huh?"

Relena snapped out of her reverie in order to glare at Duo. If only fire could shoot out of her eyes as it had out of Shenlong's arms. That braid on Duo's head was very much like a snake. Burn, braid! Burn!

Relena started to screech, "Fuck you, Duo!"

"You wish," Duo muttered.

"What was that, you asshole?"

"I said, what now? Like, do you have a plan to get rid of the snakes?"

"Shut your fukkin' face, muthafukka! I totally have a plan to get rid of these muthafukkin' snakes! You'd know it by now if you'd stop interrupting me! I oughta take you by the di-"

"Hn!"

"Oh! Heero! My Heero. You're right. Good thing you interrupted that Duo because we all do need to know my wonderful plan. Just let me take a few deep breaths to calm down after Duo's rude ranting."

The five boys watched Relena start wriggling in Heero's spacesuit again. When she started mewing and moaning softly Quatre turned around to give her some privacy. Duo quietly pulled out a video recorder and taped some of her gyrations to post later on YouTube. Wufei's patience had run out, though, and he demanded to know the plan.

"Onna! Hey, perverted onna! What is your pitiful and weak plan? Tell me now! Not that any onna could come up with a good plan anyway."

Relena's eyes snapped open. "Yes! The plan, muthafukkas, is to split up. Duo will search deck number two of the Peacemillion. Trowa will take deck 3."

"Uh huh, and Quatre will be on level four. Wufei is on level five. Heero on level one. How ingenious to assign each pilot to levels according to their names. Brilliant." Duo sneered at Relena, mocking her lack of imagination.

"Ess tee eff ewe, Duo, you asswipe! How can you be so muthafukkin' stupid as to think 'Wufei' sounds like 'five' and 'Heero' sounds anything like 'one?' I thought Gundam pilots were the best, but I guess you slipped through the cracks, or your Professor G was on crack to accept you as a Gundam pilot. Gawd! Chang Wufei is the muthafukkin number five? Whatever! But you got the plan wrong anyway. Quatre will search deck four. Wufei will search deck five. Heero will search deck one with me." At the thought of being alone with Heero, Relena again breathed deeply of Heero's sweaty spacesuit scent.

Heero groaned as Duo playfully nudged him in the ribs. "Hee hee! Daphne's dragging Fred off while the gang splits up to look for snake-ghosts."

"Hn."

"Sorry, Heero. Didn't mean ta needle ya. Hey, I bet her luggage combination is 1-2-3-4-5."

Heero nodded his agreement and explained. "Hn."

"Oh, yeah? You hacked into her luggage security program and I'm right? Boy, you need more interesting things to do."

Heero nodded again. Some days were pretty slow and hacking was all he knew to do with his spare time. That and shoot things while laughing maniacally.

Quatre felt that his face must be as pink as his shirt after listening to Relena rustle around in Heero's suit for so long. He loudly cleared his throat and asked. "Um, Miss Relena? When do we implement your search plan?"

Again, Relena's eyes snapped open. The boys wondered if her eyelids would pop off doing that some day. If so, hopefully it would be soon, accompanied by lots and lots of bleeding.

"Right now, muthafukkas! Duo, you're such an asshat!"

"I didn't even say anything this time! It was Quatre."

"All you ugly mofos looks alike to me, big-eyed and fancy-haired! Go take an assbath, Duo, and get to level two! We gotta get these muthafukkin' snakes off the muthafukkin' Peacemillion." Relena clamped both of her arms around one of Heero's and led him away.


End file.
